“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
(Maya Angelou)
The Power of Story
When we as human beings listen to stories, the neurons in our brains light up in a complicated and unique way. We tend to do what amounts to a form of self-hypnosis, feeling through what it would be like to be in the story ourselves. As you can imagine, approximating a story where the character is powerful, peaceful, happy, sexy, successful or anything else that feels good, leaves us feeling good! At the same time, stories about terrifying, traumatic, painful, disempowered, confusing or otherwise unpleasant experiences literally cause our bodies to fire all of those difficult emotions.
It’s a lot like food; Being intentional about what we take in, when and in what amounts can have profound effects on our health. In this three-part series I’m going to talk about how this plays out in our relationships with others and with ourselves. I’m also going to equip you with some tools that can help you use it all well.
Origins
Being “hypnotized” by another’s story is literally how we stay alive as infants. Unless something confounds a baby’s development, most little ones form the neural circuitry required to self-soothe at around 4-6 months.Prior to this time, they rely on an adult who is self-regulated to hold and soothe them. During this time, the infant is approximating the energy, sense of safety and mood of the adult holding them. The baby neurologically mirrors the adult, laying the foundation for the child’s own brain wiring.
As we grow, most people continue to grow that ability to “read” others. What we sense in the other person finds something similar enough in ourselves to make sense out of what we’re perceiving. We learn to feel the other person’s story.
Whether someone is recalling their experiences with us or merely conveying the energy of the emotions they feel in each moment, our gut brain seeks out familiar sensations in ourselves, giving us an idea of what the other person might be feeling. This is empathy.
Empaths
Highly empathic people - those who continue to be able to key into what they sense in others and refine it over time – often fall into the trap of thinking that what they are feeling is the other person’s feelings. It can seem as though we have no choice - We feel the sensations and now we have to carry those feelings, even if they are painful, unhelpful or burdensome. This is how empathic people burn out on caring for others.
To use empathy well, we can train ourselves to notice the mirrored energy and then ask ourselves if we have a role in the other person’s story. If we do, we can use the information to respectfully, collaboratively shape our role, without continuing to carry the parallel story in ourselves. We have full control and autonomy over our own stories. We can put them aside, save them for another time, ignore them, or even use the information to guide questions that could be helpful to the other person.
If we don’t have a role in the other person’s story, we can release it. Some people use spiritual practices like prayer to ask some spiritual entity to take over care for that person. Some people imagine a bubble of energy that works like a forcefield; They can see the other person’s energy, but it bounces off of them instead of entering in. Still others might imagine a rush of water that carries the other person's energy away from themselves, saying “That’s not mine” to remind them to let it go.
Each of these approaches reminds us not to carry stories that are not ours.
Why
When we approximate another person’s trauma story, we will chemically fire as if that trauma is happening to us. This is secondary trauma. It’s very real, and it will render us unable to think clearly enough to be helpful to the other person as well as to ourselves.
I’m told that the number one rule of lifeguarding is “Never turn a single drowning into a double drowning.” When we carry other’s stories around with us, we invite compassion fatigue. If we want to be effective as empathic people for the long haul of our lives, we need to become adept at stopping the self-hypnotic retelling of the stories in our bodies.
Self-Regulation
Our bodies do not know where they are until we tell them. When we are approximating someone’s awful experiences, we are chemically firing as if it is happening to us at that very moment. Fortunately, we do have the ability to stop the chemical flow and restore ourselves to a much more functional, neutral body and brain state. (You can find that here.)
Staying “off of our last nerves” as we listen to other people’s stories, or as we intuit the feelings of others around us disconnects our threat reaction and gives us back the part of our brain that can logic through what is and is not helpful.
In Ourselves
This same process is true with how we tell our own stories to ourselves as well. Throughout our childhoods, we pick up all sorts of stories about ourselves, about others, and about how the world around us works. The stories are formed at young ages when we lack a whole lot of information. They can feel so true! Even when they are sorely lacking in collateral information.
In the next blog, I will address those internal stories, and in the third blog of the series, I’ll explore the positive power of storytelling in human groups.
When you think about it, all memory is fiction. We edit out and forget literally millions of data points when we store any particular memory. This being the case, we might as well write a “fiction” that emphasizes what’s healing, what’s good and what’s constructive.
Stay tuned!