“A clarity that hurts you is better than the hopeful confusion that holds you.”
(Anonymous)
Kick Me Signs
A lot of my clients are caring, giving people who have been harmed by others who were happy to take from them, but not interested in reciprocating. Almost inevitably, that client will ask what it is about them that attracts such people.
Over time I’ve come to realize that there isn’t some “Please Exploit Me” button written on certain people’s souls. What’s more true is that Takers try taking from just about everyone. Kind, generous people become targets for Takers because they don’t realize quickly enough that someone is a Taker.
Amazement
If I had a dollar for every time I have heard the phrase, “Who does that??” in session I would be writing this from a nice beach house. It is unfathomable at first, that others can unconscionably take our last dime, express no remorse, and often return again later to demand more. I mean… who does that??
Unfortunately, far too many people.
Unlearning
This is a hard unlearning for me as well. I’m still unlearning it, though I have made progress! I find that the learning and unlearning often happens in stages, and it starts young.
Stage 1:
I share my toys with you, either because you took them, or because you asked. I was told to share, so I do, even though I’m not really happy about it.
Stage 2:
You take my toys or ask for them, and I refuse. I get chastised, punished or shamed for being selfish. I learn that I am supposed to give, even if I’m not okay with sharing. This one is a little weird when you put it in an adult context. Is there something wrong with you if I show up at your house and demand your car keys and you say no? I mean, you’re supposed to share your toys, right?
Why do we do this to kids? It doesn’t make them more generous. It just makes them resentful and prompts them to question their boundaries.
Stage 3:
You want some of my toys. I want some of your toys. I suggest a trade. We learn to be transactional.
Stage 4:
I learn to tell whether or not someone is a being a Taker, a Transactionalist, or a Giver, and make my decisions accordingly.
Fluid States
There are times when we engage in “taking” behavior, simply because we have a need and someone has offered. We are the recipients of a Giver’s expression of care. There are times when we have mutually acceptable transactional relationships with others. As long as we share the same understanding of what’s expected, this works out fine. There are times when we are moved to give simply because there is a need. This is equally lovely.
The challenges come in when we think we have one arrangement and then find out the hard way that the other person was thinking of it differently. Alternately, we may convince ourselves that we are giving something as a pure gift and later discover that we assumed some kind of reciprocity.
We all carry an assumption of social norms. They are so ingrained that at times we don’t even notice them until we come across someone who has a different set of assumptions. What feels “normal” to us is not some sort of timeless, universal truth. If we go around expecting others to have the same assumptions as we do we will be hurt, angry and disappointed again and again. Making our terms clear and sharing them out loud can save a relationship.
Incompatible Terms
Imagine for a moment that someone gives something to you – a gift, a stay in their home, a listening ear – and you assume that person is giving to give. Later on, it becomes clear that the giver has given from a transactional posture, expecting something back but never explaining that to you. Perhaps they expected a gift in return, some service from you in exchange for staying with them, equal time listening to them. Now they are angry, disappointed, or frustrated. They might try to shame you for not magically knowing there were strings attached to their offer.
Transactions need to be spelled out and mutually agreed upon. When circumstances change either internally or externally, the contract needs to be renegotiated, explicitly.
Clean Transactionalism
Employment can be a great example of a well-constructed, healthy transactional relationship. At its heart, employment is literally transactional: We trade our time and efforts toward work tasks in exchange for pay. Whether or not we enjoy our work or appreciate our employer are irrelevant to the transaction itself, even while they shape our willingness to engage the contract. The beauty of it is that it is a stated contract. There are rules to which both parties have explicitly agreed.
People with strong work ethics sometimes get tangled up when their propensity to go above and beyond, their dedication and tenacity feel mandated. They are offering more than the contract requires, but they did not agree to this as a standard. It’s probably time to reconsider that arrangement; The employer and the employee have incompatible terms.
The Sneaky In Between
Determining the difference between someone being a Giver and being a Transactionalist who is not explicit about their terms can be quite painful and confusing. Sometimes we may need to break social rules and ask directly: “I appreciate what you’re offering. Is there something you are expecting in return?” You decide whether or not you’re okay with these terms in response.
If later it turns out that the person had strings attached and didn’t own up to them, you can bring this conversation back up as a reminder. You are fulfilling the contract as stated. Whatever feels the person may have in response belong entirely to them, not to you.
Givers
Givers give the time, energy or resources whether or not there is some sort of benefit for them. Yes, it does feel good to give just for the sake of giving, but that’s not what compels a Giver. Givers have a sense of the interconnectedness of all things. They give just because there is a need.
There is an emotional freedom in giving without strings attached. We let go of what the other person does with what we give. We rest in confidence that we gave something positive, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen next.
Peace
Ultimately peace comes when both parties are clear on which type of exchange we are having. We release anxiety over whether or not the other person is on the same page. If you have been given something from a Giver, enjoy being cared for and be thankful. If you have an explicit transactional contract with someone, be faithful with your end of it and reap the rewards. If you are compelled to give without any strings, thank you for being part of sowing something lovely into the culture.
For the sake of love, peace, mutuality and respect, be clear about what you are doing, and do it well.